Hope for the future

 ¹ This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the LORD: ² “This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: ‘Write in a book all the words I have spoken to you. ³ The days are coming,’ declares the LORD, ‘when I will bring my people Israel and Judah back from captivity and restore them to the land I gave their ancestors to possess,’ says the LORD.”

~Jeremiah 30:1-3

From the journal...

photo: johnfenzel.vox.com

Journal entry: March 23rd 2011

"My story is not for me. It is for you and your doubt and your fear and your abandonment. None of this stuff matters. Jesus is what matters. And not that your hurt or your sorrow is not important but it is that, despite that. Despite the mess ups and the imperfections and the failure and the rejection-Jesus. Sweet Jesus. Whispers so gently in the ears of our soul- I love you. I have a plan for you and your little mess of a life. Ive got it. I know you don’t know. I know you don’t trust and you fear, but darling daughter, you are mine. I picked you. I created you. I love you darling. And I, your father, your husband, your maker, will NEVER leave or forsake you. Oh sweet darling. My darling daughter. I love you more than you could ever imagine. I knew this was going to happen. I knew it. This is not a surprise to me. I am allowing something in your soul to happen that would not otherwise happen. I know. Cry. Feel. Weep daughter. I will show you step by step my faithfulness. I know you don’t fully trust me. I know its hard. I will prove my faithfulness to you and you wont ever have to doubt. But you will. And I will prove to you over and over again. Because I love you. You are darling to me. You can not imagine what I have for you. I smile when I see you trying to picture it. You can’t even fathom it. You can’t make it happen. Only through your obedience and my grace will you get there. It will be harder than you trying to do life in your own strength because many a days you won’t know what is next. It won’t make sense to those around you, like Noah, but know what I have spoken to you daughter. Know my voice. You know my voice. You know the still sound of my voice. Follow that. Be gracious and follow that. I will not leave you. I have not brought you this far to leave you. I will not leave you. I am not man who will leave you. I am your God. When you feel like you can go no further; keep going. It is through that push. Just like the last pushes of labor, when you feel you can push no more, that you birth the promises I have for you."

Bless this Mess

We all have a story. The days, months, and years that lead to this very day. Some have sad stories, some boring and others, while only a small handful, really exciting. If I had to put a title on my 28yr story I would call it “A beautiful Mess”. The beautiful part comes from the grace that the LORD has lavished upon me. And the ‘mess’, well:

The Mess

About 7 years ago, I wanted to get married. Like really bad. So I, being the strong 1/2 black woman that I am, made that happen. I just wanted to have my family and run my home and hang clothes on my clothes line and have friends over for dinner parties because we all know that is the reality of marriage (hahah). Looking back, it was a ‘DUH’ as to why I should not have entered into that marriage, but at the time, it was all I could focus on. I wanted a marriage more than I wanted the LORD’s will for my life. So I got it. I started school to become a dental hygienist, so that I could work and provide for my family..biblical, all while raising a 2yr old. Well, within the first year of the program, both my marriage and my education failed. Ugh. I lost my career, my husband, my money, my pride all in the same year. Kind of a lot. And that my friends is what I call the ‘mess’.

The beautiful

I am so thankful that I serve a GOD that is able to make right that which I mess up. The LORD put a new dream in my heart. A dream that could only have come by going through the loss and rejection that I went through. A dream that starts in a closet. In your closet. Cleaning out the clutter, organizing what is left. Simplifying your life. Teaching. Empowering. Encouraging. Because its all about your perspective and when you lose what you thought was ‘everything’, you can either gain depression and bitterness OR hope and a future!

I am excited for a year from now. I am not excited for all the things I have to do now in order to get what I feel is for me because, frankly, I do not enjoy handing out postcards door to door in my neighborhood. That is not fun. But it is the step that I have to take today yesterday to get where I want to be at 30yrs old. I feel like I have a second chance at life and, by God’s grace, I am NOT going to mess this up. 

Sweet Bed

This week has been a bit rough as I have been sick for most of it.  I feel much better now and it is good to be back in society.

The Lord has been speaking to my heart a lot this week and I am really excited to see how things manifest. 

We have a choice when it comes to walking in obedience. We have a part to play. I think sometimes, we  wait for God to do something when He is waiting for us to move and be obedient to what He has already told us to do. We have to take a step. It is scary.

I am currently in a situation where, from the natural eye, there seems to be no way out. The cool thing about following the Lord is that when there seems to be no way...He makes a way. 

The hard thing about watching miracles happen in your life is that...well, you have to wait. You have to trust. Things have to been against you and then, by God's grace, things work out. 

This.is.not.fun.

NOT. FUN!

But is it awesome after the fact when the Lord, in fact, comes through. 

So much is going on and so much of it I can't see. 

The Lord has been nothing but faithful throughout this journey I have been on. 

He promises not to leave me. 

He won't leave you either. 

He has not brought you this far to leave you. 

Keep pressing on; through the pain, through the uncertainty.

The Lord spoke this to me this week:

'I will not leave you. I have not brought you this far to leave you. I will not leave you. I am not man who will leave you. I am your God. When you feel like you can go no further...keep going. It is through that push; just like the last pushes of labor, when you feel you can push no more, that you birth the promises I have for you.'

(I am pushing. We might have to do a c-section though. Get this thing OUT!!!)

The drive

There is a place that I am trying to get to. I have no clue how to get there..I just know that I am suppose to be there. 

If you have ever had the opportunity to drive from, say, Missouri to Colorado, then you can understand my pain. 

Kansas has some great basketball and people but the drive...oh..my..boring. 

And not just boring but hours and hours and hours of boring. It feels like you are never going to make it and you think about turing back often. 

There is a place that I am trying to get to. The only way to get there is to keep going and to ask for directions along the way. 

Have you ever felt like you have been driving and driving yet you still can't see the outline of the mountains? 

I feel like I can make it

Because of HIS grace, I have been able to walk through this storm. And ya know what...

It's.almost.over!!

Beautiful Life

Reviewing the call sheet for an upcoming shoot while sipping on jasmine tea. Life is about to be this good. 

One day

That dress!

hope

.

Isaiah 54:6-8

" For the LORD has called you like a wife forsaken and grieved in spirit, like the wife of a man's youth when she is cast off, says your God. For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with great compassion I will gather you. In overflowing wrath for a moment I hid my face from you, but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you, says the LORD, your Redeemer"

I am overwhelmed by the love of God right now. Wow. Me? My messy little life? Why me Lord? Thank you Jesus. I think about my life and what I have been most scared about and how all of those things are happening to me right now-and I thank God for His grace. I go to bed with a smile on my face despite what horrible things have been said to me that day. Despite that I have no clue where I will be living in the next few months, have no clue how I will pay bills or where my daughter will be while I am working. I have no clue when my divorce will be final, who will get what and who will get custody of my baby. I cry NOT because I am frightened. I cry because of My Jesus. Thank you Lord. My heart is glad. I am so excited to see how you will work this out. You make all things beautiful. You turn my mourning into dancing and my sorrow into joy. When everything seems all wrong....it can still be all right. Look at Jesus.