Uncontaminated Trust

photo cred: hughstewart.com

"The basic premise of biblical trust is the conviction that God wants 

us to grow, to unfold, and to experience fullness of life. 

However, this kind of trust is acquired only gradually  and most often 

through a series of crisis and trials."

~Brennan Manning in Ruthless Trust~

What loveliness

"For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. 

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone."

~Sam Levenson in Lioness Arising by Lisa Bevere.

The End.

I want to remember this moment. 

This feeling. The reality that things did not~

absolutely did not

turn out the way I had hoped and planned. 

They are so much more difficult and so much better.

 I entered  this home a young hopeful bride and now, nearly 5 years later, I leave this apartment a single mother not knowing where I will be living next week. 

I leave with a few loyal friends by my side painting, taking stuff to the dumpster

 and cleaning the bathrooms. 

I have realized so much in this home. 

I have, many of nights, been on the floor of the bathroom 

balling my eyes out wondering where God was.  

I have been locked in my bedroom scared to death to come out. 

 I have learned how to cook in this kitchen. I started my business here. 

I brought my baby home to this address. 

I have had my lights cut off many a months in this home and wondered how 

I would be able to pay the bill on my own. 

I found out that I failed out of school in the hallway and in the living room was 

where I learned about the affair. 

I painted all the walls and hung every picture. 

I sat on the porch and ate ice cream more than I probably should have. 

I sat in my rocking chair in the middle of the night and nursed my baby with tears in my eyes 

wondering why the Lord would bless me with such a sweet darling. 

I learned the importance of a stud finder, clorox wipes and a mortar&pestle 

I can't believe 5 years has come and gone. 

Tears fill my eyes as I type this in my bare kitchen ~not because I am leaving this place but in thankfulness in all the Lord has allowed me to go through within these walls. 

I have gotten to know the Lord in this home. 

I have felt His presence and have heard His voice. 

I don't know where I will be living next. 

My home is the Hilton for now. 

It is all a part of the story and I must walk out these pages. 

And with that, I flip the last page of that book. 

The End.

A Character Who Wants Something

I am having quite a day. An emotional day. I can feel the panic and fear attempting to make itself known in my soul. I also feel the confidence and trust in my GOD rising up. Each one takes its spot in first place, like two runners nearing the finish line. It is a fight to the end. I am reading my favourite book, "A Million Miles and a Thousand Years", for the third time. As I enter this last month, more than ever, I need to be reminded of the story. McKee says in Miller's book, 

"But in that place, I remembered about story, about how every conflict, no matter how hard, comes back to bless the protagonist if he will face his fate with courage...It hurts now, but I'll love this memory, I thought to myself. And I do."

I am excited for this to be a memory. To look back on how the LORD came through. I just got out my old journal and read the entry from this time last year. Some of it reads: 

"Oh Lord, have mercy on me. I can't do this-yes I can- I have been doing this for SO long. Can I do it another year? Can I deal with a shitty marriage for another year?...I really hate school a lot....I just want to cry. How many other women out there are feeling my pain. I bet so many. It is the cry of our hearts to feel loved in our marriage; is that such a hard request? What are they afraid of in loving us? Why don't they get it? Do we get it? Are we suppose to just put up with the shit and go to God? Is that how HE is sure that we are needy of him? I feel as though I am living with my antagonist. Alright-back to the jungle. Lord, I ask for wisdom".

I am thankful for this past year. Thankful for what the LORD has allowed to happen in my heart. Thankful for the beautiful mess of a story that is my life. Thankful that this time next year, I will love this memory. 

"..and sharing a story with somebody made the story more meaningful." pg 154.

coffee talk

I am wearing a shirt fyi.

Its an all new coffee talk. I am not drinking coffee now and really feel like I should get one just so that I can properly call this coffee talk. I hate to say it but I am not sitting at my usual Northside Social in Arlington. I am sitting at Panera in Tyson's corner mall. I already miss the coffee shop and the people. I miss all the employee's and all my little quirky people that I got to write about. I start today at my new job which is Nordstrom. I am really pumped about it. I do, however, need a new wardrobe for the job so feel free to mail in donations for that. The lighting in here is a bit terrible. I just ate a chocolate covered biscuit. Y.U.M.

There are way too many people in here to blog about. I think I might just pick out a few that stand out and let that be the coffee talk. Already, I am bored of the khaki pant and blue button down with the sad, blue tie, brown shoe, brown belt. I am wondering if it is actually a uniform for the government worker. If it is, then I really need to speak to someone higher up.

There is one lady that stood out to me. She sat at one of the 4 tops for those of you that have never worked in the restaurant industry, a top is in reference to how many seats. So if you have an 8 top, that means you have 8 people seated. You could sit a party of 6 at an 8 top. Or you could sit a party of 2 at an 8 top but you wouldn't want to do that. You would just sit them at a 2 top. And I digress  with her son who looked about 4 years old. She was wearing a large salmon colored long sleeve shirt and it sadly swallowed her extra small frame. Her son, sipping his organic chocolate milk and dipping those processed chicken nuggets in a little pool of ketchup, kept looking up at her, pleased with the way he was dipping. The woman, however, was preoccupied with her nine dollar tub of greenery to even notice his excitement. She stabbed some greens, looked blankly at the kill, and shoveled it in the opening of her boney face. This process continued.

"We are in a war between dullness and astonishment."-Dangerous Wonder

Random ponderings #3

I really want to write. So I am. Despite the clock saying it is now AM, I will carry on. Umm. Random Ponderings time.....I think so.

I love that my friends know that I am always up late and that they send me txt messages late. It makes me happy.

I am an outward processor. I have used that phrase a lot tonite at work. It is kinda funny. Like it is my disease and you will just have to deal with it. I mean it not as an excuse to say whatever I want but to let you know that just because I have a "great idea" it doesn't mean that I am actually going to go ahead and proceed with that idea. Like my great idea to travel the world and just eat. Now...would I take that job if it were available..YES..am I selling all my possessions now and looking up flights to Europe? Well, no to the first part but no harm in looking up flights...Right?

I am sitting on my porch. I am cold. Both of these things make me really happy. Like really happy. I am also sipping some tea and the dishwasher is running. All of which is deserving of a smile. :).

I am currently reading, "Prayer" by Philip Yancey and listening to the audiobook , "Traffic" and about to get the book, "The 4 Hour Work Week"....Lots to learn

I went to the farmers market today: apples, nectarines, asian pear, basil, cilantro and green beans are in my possession.

I think a kitchen should either smell like basil or clorox. Currently, mine does.

If you live in the Northern Virginia area, I don't understand why you haven't gone to Northside Social and had the Pumpkin Ice Cream. It deserves to be capitalized. It is UNREAL. Get it. And to the maker of that Pumpkin Ice Cream, it must always stay on the menu.....ALWAYS. Thanks R.

I am learning that it is good to test the depth of the water before I cannonball into it. And swimmies are a good help too considering I am not that great of a swimmer.

Birthday Month. Holy September. This month is flying by and I don't like that one bit.

Monday, I drove to the mountains..Bailey was asleep in her carseat. It was great. I live so close to the mountains. Why don't I do that more. I will now.

I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller. I wish I had a....wait....

I have the best brothers ever. Nate and Jon. Such great guys. Lubooooo.

NEW SEASON OF RACHEL ZOE!!!!!!!!!!! I DIED. ITS BANANAS. SO EXCITING!!!!

I have an eating disorder.

I would rather go to Antarctica than India, Oregon than Hawaii, Toronto than Vegas, Maine than Miami, Norway than Paris, Cambodia than Japan, Seattle than NYC.

The above mentioned disorder is called a lot and too much. I am thankful for a speedy metabolism or else I just might look like Jennifer Hudson last season.

Life is really hard now but I will not quit. Okay. I take that back. I might quit a few things but not life itself. I want to see how my story pans out. I also really want to someday have that Hermes watch and have a 6 burner industrial kitchen stove so....I will keep on keepin on.

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I hope;
my soul waits for the Lord more than those who watch for the morning, more than those who watch for the morning"-Psalm 130:5/6

Dangerous Wonder

"The numbness of my soul began to dissipate, and I could sense the beginning of a wild and new way of living. I was full of joy and fear at the same time because I knew that if I listened to this Jesus and followed Him - if I, like the disciples, left my fishing or my tax collecting - He would lead me into treacherous territory, where every day would be an experience of danger and wonder at the same time: an adventure of dangerous wonder!"

-Mike Yaconelli in Dangerous Wonder

coffee talk

This is a scary picture. 

I was sitting inside for a bit but quickly got my iced americano and came outside. The guy I wrote about a few weeks ago who was sitting outside will his Pelligrino and reading The Uncanny was here today. He is on a new book now and was sipping Pelligrino. Also, the man with the perfect facial hair and macbook pro is here too. He is sitting inside and I said hello to him as I walked in. He is wearing a salmon colored shirt, cool jeans, nice brown shoes and looks like he got the new iPhone because he has been on that thing since I got here.  R., the Pastry Chef, is here and looks like the Chef's are in a little meeting outside. R. let me enjoy some almonds that he made which were perfectly enveloped in a sugar coating. Mmmm.

When I came home from work last nite, I was desperate for chick peas. Why? I have no clue. So I made a chick pea curry thing. YUM!!! I can't tell you what spices I put in it because my spices are from my Nepali neighbor and there are, of course, no labels. So, if you like chick peas, here is the "recipe":

*1 can chick peas
*some tomatoes
*some leftover stuff from the pizza I made the day before including: jalepenos, turkey bacon and chicken
*onions
* fresh ground pepper
*cinnamon
*red spices
*dark brown spices
*medium brown spices

DIRECTIONS:
Brown the onions with delicious EVOO (extra virgin olive oil).
Dump in can of chick peas
Dump in other stuff
pour in the liquid from the can of chick peas
Add the spices
Medium high heat
Then reduce to simmer
Eat.
So maybe my future won't involve writing recipes. But let me tell you. It tastes AMAZING.

I have decided to get in the best shape of my life.

 I am cutting carbs (not as many pizzas for me :( ) , taking my vitamins, eating really well and often, and doing crossfit workouts. I feel great! I have a goal in mind and I plan on reaching that.

I mean......yes please.

 I know it will take a lot of hard work and discipline but I'm ready. Did I make vows to August? I don't think I did. I want nothing to do with the month. Thank God it is almost over.

Did I mention that my birthday is in September?? I think it is the greatest month. My last birthday was terrible and the year that followed was, well, the most difficult one yet. I am pumped for 28 and this next year. If you have clicked the "FOLLOW" button on my blog then thank you. If you remain anonymous then that is fine too but you could click the follow button :) That's all folks.

pg 128

"When a woman has God's beauty -a meek and quiet spirit- she isn't threatening to those around her. She doesn't compete; she doesn't 'demand her rights', because she's secure. Her trust is in God to exalt her in his own way and time, and he does! He can afford to expand her gifts and increase her place in the world, because she's not grasping for it. That's God's kind of beautiful woman."

-Anne Ortlund

Disciplines

"Under that wonderful umbrella of "if God wills", we need to decide where we suspect he'd like us to go. We need to see what provisions are necessary for each leg of the journey, and get them. Then we need to say, "No", "NO", "No", daily all the rest of our lives to everything that would get us off course, and keep returning and returning to our personal charts to make sure we're getting there". 

-Anne Ortlund in Disciplines of the Beautiful Woman

Juxtaposition

It is my favorite word. I am really feeling this in my soul these days. The idea of getting a full time job is tightly packed between being a stay at home mom and running my business in my rolodex of thoughts. My heart is being pulled between 2 very different locations. I see many different roads in which I can take. I have a choice. Oh choices. I am hoping that wise choices are what will get me out of this mess. This beautiful mess that I am in.

Last nite, I did something that I haven't done in a month. I journaled. I read my last entry to see where life was and what I was dealing with. I am amazed to see how different life looked just a month ago. Wow. In just 30 days the picture of life can go from a plain white canvas to a beautiful piece of art, or, in my case, something resembling some splatter painting done by an amateur. I know in my heart, however, that when all can seem wrong, all can be just right. I know that. My heart knows that. I mean. I really KNOW that. I have been through that. I have felt the pain of that. And here I am again, feeling that. It is in this time that trust and faith and hope are being watered only to sprout their little heads above the pile of dirt and compost.

In reading last months entry, I also read last years and the year before. WOW. How different are my writings now. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for the answers that I have been giving. I am now looking at today and seeing how different my life can look 30 days from now. I have the ability to make things happen. I am a person who goes after what I want. And now, in this time, when there are so many options, I sit back and watch it all happen as if I am not the protagonist in my own story, but rather a mere movie goer sitting in the back row with a xlarge refillable trough of popcorn and enough beverage to quench the thirst of a Chinese army, waiting to see who will be the next character to pop up on the screen.

I am still reading "The Tipping Point". It is great. I have the coolest bookmark in the world (a piece of IMAX format film) to mark my place and remind me of Kansas City. I think I am reaching a tipping point. Slowly but surely.

"I learned that not just any character can work to create a good story. It takes a special kind of character and not just any ambition would define a good story, it took a special kind of ambition. "-Donald Miller.

The Dress Looks Nice on You.

Im ready to go on an adventure. Not like the adventure this girl is about to go on because I am not a fan of roller coasters or ferris wheels but my own big adventure. This week has started off a bit slow. I guess not every page in one's story is suppose to be filled with wonder and amazement. A few things kinda got figured out though.
#1. I am not going to be able to go to KC like I wanted to the end of this month. I WILL, however, be going the week of Oct. 17th. :) and....I will be seeing Sufjan Stevens in concert. yes folks. be jealous. I am beyond excited for all that will go down during that visit.
#2. I am going to try and get a roommate. It will be just too expensive to move closer to the city at this point. So. If you know anyone who needs a place to live..okay. not just anyone. but you get what I am saying. Let me know. There is a great room with a walk in closet and big windows and a bathroom for rent. There is also a promise of good food available for eating at all times and a freezer full of ice cream.

I am currently reading "The Tipping Point". It has been such a great read. I really enjoy books like that. I am not a fan of August. Have a mentioned that? I think I have. I get seasonal depression in the summer. Not really...but kinda. I need a break. Like a few days off. With cash and a car and some far off destination and maybe a good friend and some mix tapes and lots of snacks. We would go thrifting for days and drink too much coffee and eat lots of fruit.

I have been thinking a lot about all the dreams I have for my future and wondering how on earth they are going to pan out. Not in a stressful, panicky sort of wonder but more in a confident and eager sort of wonder. I feel like this chapter that I am in is about working. Working on building relationships, becoming a better cook, being faithful in the small things, building my business, loving people more, taking care of my home, being a good steward of my finances, and so on. It is necessary and I will gladly walk out these pages.

The next chapter

       "We need Don to want something." pg 63

And all it took was 6 words to end and begin a new chapter of my story. 

Direction

So,
Life is EXTREMELY slightly different this year than a year ago.
It is unbelievable how much life can change in just one year. In just one semester, in just one day.
I feel more secure in knowing that I am exactly where I am suppose to be and this point in my life than ever before. Things are just as they should be for my story although they may not seem it. I mean, 27yr old with a 2 1/2 year old girl, getting divorced, failed out of school, bartending/cocktailing in Arlington and needing a roommate or a place to live soon doesn't exactly sound like a great plan for success. And while I am on that, I just wanted to say that I am really sick of hearing the word SUCCESS. I think it may be the word that sums up the Northern Virginia/DC area in which I live. I heard that word from four 5 different people today alone. Makes me want pinch something really hard.

If you have talked to me at all you should know that (thanks to L. and an amazing book called A Million Miles and a Thousand Years by Donald Miller) I see my life as a story.  I have given the LORD the pen or keyboard, I mean...it is 2010 and I am pretty sure GOD has a sweet mac to write a bigger and better story than the one that I was living....and....GOD is so faithful.
Life as never felt more full and alive and right smack dab where I am suppose to be.
This page that was today was a good page.
Something new came from it.
I pressed into the LORD a bit more, wanting to not miss a thing that HE has for me.
I made dinner that was delicious and even better than the first time I made that pot pie.
I loved on Bailey harder and remembered to tell her, when she spilled her popsicle ALL over the floor,-"No Big Deal!"
I learned more about futbol and may be rooting for Uruguay.
An opportunity also came up for some overseas travel in the fall. I have been asked to go many years previously but it only feels right as of now. Please pray that the will of the Lord would be done and I would chose the path that I feel HIM leading.
Thanks for reading.
 I hope the Celtics win.

Clarity

"Craving clarity, we attempt to eliminate the risk of trusting GOD"
My heart for so long has craved this thing of clarity.  This statement shatters all that I have come to know and hope in. The magnitude of what that means on a heart level is so overwhelming that my eyes fill with tears each time I take a moment to breathe that into my soul.  My life will never look the same. It is that tidbit of information (referring to the quote) that stays with you on a daily basis, that haunts you at night that lingers in your mind like a bad wine on the palate.  Knowing that now I am held accountable to it. To TRUST.  Such a FreeIng ReSponsibilitY. I am so humbled by this. It shuts me up, stops my plans, opens my heart challenges my motives and directs my gaze upward.

Grateful

  "TO BE GRATEFUL for an unanswered prayer, to give thanks in a state of interior desolation, to trust in the love of God in the face of the marvels, cruel circumstances, obscenities, and commonplaces of life is to whisper a doxology in darkness"
-Brennan Manning as he rocks my face off in 'Ruthless Trust'

A Vase of Tulips

A dear friend A. recommend this fabulous book called Vessels & Flowers by Sally Pickard and Brenda Dulmage. I am so glad that I ordered it. It is a book about personality types as a Christian woman. It is a GREAT book. It place us, as women, in  one of 5 vessels, which describe our temperament and one in seven flowers which describes our function. I went into this journey of the book hoping to be a basket but realized that I was a vase. A vase of tulips. Thank you Lord.
 Words describing the vase: takes charge, determined, enterprising, firm, bold, decisive, logical, impatient, strong-willed, demanding, arrogant, calculating, powerful and insensitive.
I was laughing out loud when reading the chapter because it was right on. I have accepted my vessel. It then goes on to talk about each vessel as  a: mother, wife, young adult, child and the challenges of each as well as the strengths.
Vase:
-her control and strength gives others confidence in her, a confidence that she knows what she is doing
-she expects others to reach her standards
-if you seek advice from a Vase she will tell you exactly what she thinks (hehe)
-good decision maker
-very productive
-if she feels a responsibility toward you, she will protect you to the end
-her forceful movement toward her goal means those who get in her way get "steam-rolled" (sorry. gotta getter done)
-knows where she is going and plans on paying the price to get there
-is well equipped to protect her husband and he can depend on her to "steam roll" others who try to undermine his authority
-is not afraid of pressure or confrontation

 It then gives each vessel a verse. My verse:
"She is clothed with strength and dignity. She can laugh at the days to come."-Proverbs 31:25


Then the goes into your function. They use a flower to describe this. There are seven flowers and I am a tulip. A tulip is a leader. It says that the tulip, "is usually the first flower to come up in the Spring and when she does, she seems to be saying, "come on ladies. Let's get going!""
Yep.
I am a tulip.
More things about a tulip:
-it is hard for her not to take control
-she likes to get up and get going early with a lot of enthusiasm
-enjoys making decisions, loves completing a task,
-doesn't do well when a project gets all bogged down with disorganization or people problems
-takes responsibility and organizes what her husband puts in her charge
-if her husband takes charge she will follow him, but if he doesn't, she is compelled to take over
-as a mother, she has a vision for her family and her children
-she builds her children's character as she leads toward her vision
"You can tell the Tulip is a Leader when people naturally follow her"

I have learned so much about myself these 2 days while reading this book. I have learned the freedom in walking in who God has made me and how to bring my personality under the Lordship of Jesus. I have also learned to allow others to be who God has made them and how together we can make a beautiful bouquet. I recommend it to you. You better get it. wait a minute here...i am learning NOT to steam roll you into doing things...  Feel free to order the book if your heart so choses. :)

An Epic Story

I am debating whether to make you laugh or ponder.....

Ponder it is-
Is there something in life that you want SO bad. I mean not like you kinda want something but like your heart or belly or closet physically hurts because for whatever reason you will never get it or at least not right now? If you have not ever felt like this then my heart is really sad for you because although it is a hard thing to go thru, it is a beautiful thing to go thru.
It motivates, gets you up in the morning and allows you to dream and think and feel beyond yourself and the mundane life that you may or may not feel trapped in. It makes for a bigger story. Like I said a few sentences ago, it can be a person or Chipotle or a watch.
There are a few of these things that I really want. I am re-reading a book that has drastically changed my perspective on life. Here an excerpt. Just read it:

"And I found myself wanting even better stories. And that's the thing you'll realize when you organize your life into the structure of story. You'll get a taste for one story and then want another, and then another, and the stories will build until you're living a kind of epic of risk and reward, and the whole thing will be molding you into the actual character whose roles you've been playing. And once you live a good story, you get a taste for a kind of meaning in life, and you can't go back to being normal; you can't go back to meaningless scenes stitched together by the forgettable thread of wasted time. The more practice stories I lived, the more I wanted an epic to climb inside of and see through till its end"-pg155 Donald Miller A Million Miles and a Thousand Years.
I don't know about you but reading that does something to my soul.  It gets me fired up and ready to dream and live and grow. I want an epic story to be the main character of. There is so much risk involved wanting that. And I am realizing that but accept the challenge. And because I have accepted that..my heart hurts. Because sometimes in a story at the moment the character realizes what great mountain they get to climb, they realize all the pain and effort and time and lonely days it will take to get to the top. Every page is not exciting but remembering that every page gets you or myself one step closer to the end is satisfying for the soul.

Boundaries

• Flexible - This is the ideal. Similar to selective rigid boundaries but the person has more control. The person decides what to let in and what to keep out, are resistant to emotional contagion, manipulation and are difficult to exploit.

[edit]

thanks to wikipedia. there are 4 types of personal boundaries. soft.spongy.rigid. flexible. the first 3 are not the best.

Another sleepless night. So much is going on in this noggin of mine. Things just never go according to "plan". My plan. The Lord reminded me of the word BOUNDaries while I lay awake last nite. I wanted to write it all down then but I was just too tired to get up. This past year or so for me has really been about learning what that word means. I have learned that boundaries are not something that you put on someone else. They are for you. For me. They are a choice and they demand an action. Boundaries are beautiful. They are like a promise. The word doesn't look so freeing. I mean-the first half of the word is BOUND. Its like the terms submission is reference to a wife of her husband. It sounds so limiting. But its quite the opposite. Boundaries say:  you can talk like that but I will not listen, you can make a mess but Im not going to clean it up, you can come home drunk but I will not be here, you can try to put me down but I am staying up.  Its hard at first. You have to make them known.

Being bound and having boundaries are quite different. My heart has been bound for so long.  My heart has been abused. My story is one of freedom. Freedom with boundaries. I am learning a new set of boundaries. I am LEARNING. I don't know this new set yet. I don't know how this works. I am in a difficult yet so beautiful season of life right now. I feel like I am in a waiting place. Like an airport.  Flight is canceled. Its not suppose to be. Don't know when the next flight will take off. Just waiting.  I love the artist from Kansas City by the name of Laura Hackett. (get it on itunes) Her songs are raw and real and beautiful and sad and hopeful. Raw.Real.Beautiful.Sad.Hopeful. There is a song on her newest album and I think its called "There's a gap" it goes:
                                            "What'll I do here in the waiting. What'll I do with my unsatisfied heart. What'll I do here in the waiting. In the tension of believing again and again and again. "
I love that. The tension is real. The question is real. What'll I do Lord? I am waiting. I keep believing. The Lord has not once let me down. People have. Lots and lots of people have. That is okay. I am sure I have let some of you down too.

I am reading this book called,"A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" by Donald Miller. I am seeing things different. My thoughts are different. The end of chapter 12 made me cry. Here is goes:
                "...that we were designed to live THROUGH something rather than to attain something, and the thing we were meant to live through was designed to change us. THE POINT OF THE STORY IS THE CHARACTER ARC, THE CHANGE"        hello!!

can i get an AMEN?! I am being changed. So back to boundaries. I will write them down. I will tell a friend. I will have accountability. I will not facebook chat at 1am. I will sleep. Maybe I will facebook chat at 1. Gotta think about that one. I will trust that the Lord knows what's up and that HE is bigger than  the problem. That HE knows my heart. He created it. He loves me. done.