Tuesday, November 30, 2010

A Character Who Wants Something

I am having quite a day. An emotional day. I can feel the panic and fear attempting to make itself known in my soul. I also feel the confidence and trust in my GOD rising up. Each one takes its spot in first place, like two runners nearing the finish line. It is a fight to the end. I am reading my favourite book, "A Million Miles and a Thousand Years", for the third time. As I enter this last month, more than ever, I need to be reminded of the story. McKee says in Miller's book, 
"But in that place, I remembered about story, about how every conflict, no matter how hard, comes back to bless the protagonist if he will face his fate with courage...It hurts now, but I'll love this memory, I thought to myself. And I do."
I am excited for this to be a memory. To look back on how the LORD came through. I just got out my old journal and read the entry from this time last year. Some of it reads: 
"Oh Lord, have mercy on me. I can't do this-yes I can- I have been doing this for SO long. Can I do it another year? Can I deal with a shitty marriage for another year?...I really hate school a lot....I just want to cry. How many other women out there are feeling my pain. I bet so many. It is the cry of our hearts to feel loved in our marriage; is that such a hard request? What are they afraid of in loving us? Why don't they get it? Do we get it? Are we suppose to just put up with the shit and go to God? Is that how HE is sure that we are needy of him? I feel as though I am living with my antagonist. Alright-back to the jungle. Lord, I ask for wisdom".

I am thankful for this past year. Thankful for what the LORD has allowed to happen in my heart. Thankful for the beautiful mess of a story that is my life. Thankful that this time next year, I will love this memory. 
"..and sharing a story with somebody made the story more meaningful." pg 154.


  1. I hope you have a better day. I like your blog. It is good to find someone who is also from Kansas City, Mo. And you being pretty def does not hurt.